Cards on the Table

I don't presume to know everything, and I've made some terrible choices in my life. I'm sure some of you reading this can say I'm in good company. We all do make missteps from time to time, don't we? However, mine were more of the legal kind.

I had a troubled childhood, as anyone who has read my books will know. I stayed in trouble as a young lady and then I met up with Christianity. That changed my life, but not before I'd made enough mistakes to follow me into church and on through life.

I've gotten maybe 20 emails from people asking me why I ever wrote a bad check, or my husband ever wrote a bad check. They wanted to know why Living Waters came to a crashing point several times under my watchful eyes and then under my husband's leadership. And while I'm not one to avoid confrontation, I listened to several people about not posting anything about this in the public sector. I should have never listened so this post is about me rectifying my wrong then. Here's the short of a long story.

Many years ago, I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism/Grave's disease. I'd had it uncontrolled and unknowingly for at least a year and was nearly at the point of death when they found it accidentally. The medication was expensive. The doctor was expensive. My condition was worsening and we lost our insurance. That was the beginning of our troubles with bad checks. We both made terrible decisions and we have and are paying for them without complaint.

When it concerned Living Waters, the company was doing well and everyone was being paid, books were being done and finished in a timely fashion, but then because of my chronic illnesses, I fell ill and could no longer work 18 hour days every day of the week. I fell further and further behind and then we began to have financial problems. When my husband lost his job, that only added another burden to the already struggling company that I built with no loans and no debt. So, books got behind schedule, authors left, freelancers weren't paid on time. The whole system came crashing down and some very good people were hurt in the process. When my health kept deteriorating, my husband and I chose to turn everything over to him and I trained him. But then, life interrupted again as he was pulling everything out of the hole. So, a series of unfortunate events left me ill and unable to work or travel and him in jail again for getting behind on his old fines.

Now, some of you probably could care less about this whole mess. And while that sounds like excuses above, it's just the truth. That's how easy it is for good intentions and great talent to be tainted. I wake up every morning with two choices: let my past failures and all my flaws stop me from using what talent I have or fight my way back to the top. For those who read my books, you know that I'm a fighter. I fought my way back from depression and countless suicide attempts. I fought my way back from being a high school dropout to going to college. I fought my way back from being a victim of sexual abuse and domestic violence, from being the product of a broken and dysfunctional home, from using men because I hated them. I have survived all those things and then serious, chronic illnesses and severe pain. There is no way I'm going to bow down and play dead because my past was shady. GOD changed me. I'm not going to allow the negative people around me to become bigger than all those who are in my corner cheering me on. I don't care as much about what people think as I do what my GOD thinks, but I am wise enough to know that accountability is necessary for everyone. So, I'm being accountable to you and laying it out there for everyone to see.

I'm blessed to soon be able to make amends for the people who have patiently and not-so-patiently waited to be paid for a year, two years, or even three years. This has been a long time coming, and finally I'll be free of those who hold me captive because I owe them and that feels good. So, the floor is open to comments, both good, bad and ugly.

Celebrating Your Accomplishments

It is so ridiculously easy to feel sorry for ourselves over every failure and every flaw. We often are our own worst critics. I often joke that if I can actually convince myself that this or that is good enough, then I probably have the job beat.

What doesn't always come easy is celebrating our victories and accomplishments. We often wait around for someone else to notice and pat us on the back or congratulate us. And if that doesn't happen, then we are left questioning the accomplishment, the victory, wondering why no one else even acknowledged it.

No doubt, most of us go through our days and have many little victories. Maybe we finish some things that has been on the to-do list for a long time. Maybe we smoke 4 cigarettes instead of 12. Maybe we drink 3 glasses of water rather than none. Maybe we simply have enough energy to get the whole house clean before noon. Whatever it is, and no matter how small, celebrate those things even if you have to do it alone because each win you celebrate builds you up to see another one.

Today, I'm celebrating my writing because it has improved tremendously and the frequency is getting better. The topics are more involved and the responses of people are improving. Today, I celebrate my health because today I feel better than I did yesterday. Today, I celebrate my career because I know it is a full one and only going to get fuller by the day. All this celebration today makes me look forward to tomorrow. How about you?

These Are My Confessions

I've done a lot of things in my life that I'm not particularly proud of, and like most people, I'd rather just forget it ever happened and move on. Nevertheless, sometimes our greatest blessings are found in the things we are most ashamed of. But to tap into it, we have to get beyond the shame and past the point of grieving over something we cannot change. These are the confessions I make over myself when it concerns my past. I hope you will join in with me.

• I am not damaged by my mistakes. Rather, I am empowered by them.
• I am not deterred by my failures. Rather, I am enlightened by them.
• I am not consumed by sin. I choose to live in the freedom Christ gave me.
• I am not cheapened by my issues. They give me character and keep me humble.
• I will trust God with all of me and let Him do whatever He chooses to with my past, present and future.