There are many things in life that are unfair. In fact, there are few instances of fairness in life. However, we spend years trying to teach our children to be fair, and that others will be fair to them. I found out the hard way just this weekend that we do our children a disservice when we tell them to expect fairness.
The question is, how to you teach them to be fair without expecting it back? After all, we want to shift the morals and values of a generation. However, we don't want to give them rose-colored glasses that may well set them up for failure. I remember telling my son, "Be fair now." or "That's not fair, is it?"
I hope to get your feedback on this topic. We're raising children daily and it makes sense to learn how to deal with real life issues with them. Let's talk. The comment line is open.
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16 comments:
I think that times have changed and parenting, but neither for the better. There were times when I was a child that murder was not a common occurence. People could sleep with their doors unlocked and no one really had to knock on your door, even in a fairly large city. Now, tv rears the children and they are violent and disobedient, all arising from this don't hit your kids movement. When will people learn to stay out of parents faces when they spank their children. Then, with this no prayer in schools business being enforced, what kind of monsters do you expect to raise. You can spank, you can't pray and everything costs so much that you can't stay home and watch them.
I had six children, four boys. I spanked all of them, and have never had to bail them out of jail. They've never been in trouble. They have good credit, good jobs, good spouses. All my children understand life because I taught them and I prayed and taught them the Bible. They don't have them secret sex lives. They're down home kids that know right from wrong, and know how to cope when life isn't fair. They pray until God moves. Seems like people would take advice from someone whose been successful at raising kids... not a system that believes everything a serial killer or gang member tells them.
I think a lot of teaching children about fairness is in how you define the word.
I've always taught my kids that fair does not mean equal. Kids will wail because Brother got to go to the store, to Dairy Queen, to buy a new toothbrush, and so on and so forth, and they want to get the same thing, even if they don't need it.
But when dealing with other people or simply with life, I use the words my mom used to use on me (that I hated, LOL), "No one ever told you life was fair." I have also tried to instill in the kids the idea that even if the other person isn't fair or is mean or what have you, that it's important to be the bigger person in that situation and to do what is right.
I basically use the Golden Rule to help teach what their behavior should be: "Treat others how you want to be treated." I've also explained that sometimes, no matter what you do, people are going to be jerks. On several occasions I've heard my 16 year old son, when dealing with a difficult person, say, "Darn it! I guess I'll have to be the bigger person."
On the flip side, I've also heard my kids whine incessantly about the unfairness of life. Generally I just agree with them. "Yep, life isn't fair. I never told you that life was fair."
I agree that parents are fighting more than one battle, Arlene.
I also agree that we shouldn't teach our children to expect life to be fair.
Great post.
Lacresha, you make a very valid point about raising children. Of course, Arlene, I was born in those times like you. I agree and understand your points fully.
Sheesh, Cresha - not askin for much today, are you! lol - This is one of every responsible loving parent's major issues to deal with in child rearing. The first most difficult concept a todder has to grapple with is, "NO!" The kid always has this incredulous look on their face, total and utter disbelief - huh? whaddaya mean "no?" Why not? But they often have to burn their little hands on the stove to find out "why" they got told the emphatic "no."
Next comes "be nice." Not so hard to get, not when the kid is being treated nice, but now we come to "be nice to people even when they don't treat you nice." That's a toughie - Jesus preached that two thousand years ago and humanity still hasn't got it through their thick skulls.
But I agree with Ceebow, The Golden Rule is the fundamental axiom for good counsel when raising children and teaching good morals and social behavior.
Best of luck with your family - I'm glad I'm all through with my childrearing - better left to you younger people - you got the energy for it! lol. My mother always said when my wife and I were raising our kids and she and Dad would come over to visit - the kids would be bouncing off the walls, all noisy and bubbly and zipped full of energy like all healthy kids - she'd say, "Well, the Good Lord knew what he was doing when he decided that kids would be born to the younger generation." Ha.
Oh, and on spanking? Do it. Never out of anger, but for their own good when they need it. These modern-day "time-outs" aren't getting the job done. A good smack on the butt for a direct misdead is worth a thousand words and counseling sessions.
That's my two cents. I'm gonna go over and spoil my grandkids now - it's payback time for my daughter. (hee hee)
Sheesh, Cresha - not askin for much today, are you! lol - This is one of every responsible loving parent's major issues to deal with in child rearing. The first most difficult concept a todder has to grapple with is, "NO!" The kid always has this incredulous look on their face, total and utter disbelief - huh? whaddaya mean "no?" Why not? But they often have to burn their little hands on the stove to find out "why" they got told the loud "no."
Next comes "be nice." Not so hard to get, not when the kid is being treated nice, but now we come to "be nice to people even when they don't treat you nice." That's a toughie - Jesus preached that two thousand years ago and humanity still hasn't got it through their thick skulls.
But I agree with Ceebow, The Golden Rule is the fundamental axiom for good counsel when raising children and teaching good morals and social behavior.
Best of luck with your family - I'm glad I'm all through with my childrearing - better left to you younger people - you got the energy for it! lol. My mother said when my wife and I were raising our kids and she and Dad would come over to visit - the kids would be bouncing off the walls, all noisy and bubbly and zipped full of energy like all healthy kids - she'd say, "Well, the Good Lord knew what he was doing when he decided that kids would be born to the younger generation." Ha.
Oh, and on spanking? Do it. Never out of anger, but for their own good when they need it. These modern-day "time-outs" aren't getting the job done. A good smack on the butt for a direct misdead is worth a thousand words and counseling sessions.
That's my 2 cents - I'm headed over to play with my grandkids and spoil them - payback time for my daughter - hee hee.
I think "being fair" is an example we set for other people of a better way to behave ... not necessarily something we should expect to "get" first.
As to the comment about bad things being common occurences now - we have at least two issues to consider. First, there are many, many more people on the planet than even 50 years ago.
Second, the media and rapid exchange of information has propelled warp-speed change in our society. Information is readily accessible, and of course, not all of it is good, especially when young people without well-developed morals receive knowledge too soon for their maturity levels. It isn't so much a matter of keeping children in the dark or smacking them into submission, but moderating them during the various stages of their lives.
That, of course, requires huge caretaker involvement every single day. It's a tough commitment when parents have other pulls on their time. There's a huge part of western society that's been raised by TV, while their parents were away at work, and it's made a huge impact on the quality of at least one young generation.
Lots of parents like to think "quality time" will form a child's character, but I think "quantity time" counts as much, if not more, in developing a steady moral core. The challenge for parents is greater than ever, because there are so many more outside influences, including one big one in your home - the television. How many of you sit down and read to your children for an hour every night while the TV is turned off? I don't mean for a few minutes before bed, I mean as entertainment to replace television. I don't know too many people who do that, but why not?
Wow. That's a good question and not having children, tough for me to answer. but I think teaching them good ethics and empathy is a good road to fairness...
You do come up with some tough ones!!
I've always used the word "right" instead of "fair" with my son. I trust him to do what is right. He knows that others have not been taught that and will not always do the same.
I remind him, when he has been on the receiving end of an injustice that--it may hurt. but he can't control how other's behave. All he can do is keep the faith that what goes around comes around.
Things aren't "fair" in this world. The best you can do is treat others as you would like to be treated and hope it works in vice versa. And distance yourself from those who deliberately hurt you.
As my mom said, and as I told my kids (and they hated it) fair is where you take your pig.
I do use the word fair, but maybe I should use the word right. I need to think about all this a little more.
That's a deep question, one that requires a lot of thought on my behalf. I grew up with the rose-colored glasses and was severely hurt by life's cruelty (death and heartache). John was the opposite. So even now I'm the optimist and naive and he's the pessimist (well, you and he call it realist- me and Lensey gotta really discuss this more)
I'm agreeing with Debbie. Let me think about it.
I love children and I love their innocence. The question is not how, rather when. When do you take those adorable little glasses from their eyes and let them feel the pain of reality?
I don't have children right now, but I suppose the key is to teach them that life does give back what you give, just not always in the same way you gave it out. Just because it doesn't come back how you sent it out does not mean that your good works won't be rewarded one day, somehow.
I agree with Joyce. It's about being right, morally.
Lacresha there are many experts and lay people who will offer opinions. So as a lay person here is my opinion.
I believe the best way to teach children fairness is by being the example that they see.
Linda!
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